So my birthday was today and I couldn’t have had a more strange birthday. So different from what I imagined. But that’s what happens with expectations, they usually let us down and leave us disappointed. Last night I got into a car accident that although wasn’t bad nor left anyone injured, it depleted me of any energy for today, and so I decided to stay home and relax. It’s 30 after, not that eventful of a day.
Lately, I’ve been looking at my baby pictures and pictures of my childhood. Before I really had a hard time connecting with those pictures, I didn’t feel they were me. I didn’t remember the occasion or how I felt in those pics. The last time I did though, I couldn’t help but notice how happy of a child I was. I really was happy and bubbly and though many could say it’s very similar to how I am today, there’s no sign of an analytical, obsessive, meticulous person in those pics.
I’ve also, in my time of prayer, spent time praying for that little girl. To make it easier, this is a time where God is really taking me to connect to that little girl and reconcile the two as one, healing all that made me want to keep her locked up and consider he someone else’s memory, not mine. In all honesty, I feel, or felt, like her life and mine were so different, and in order to connect with her I would have to connect to what separates us in the first place, and I didn’t know if I was ready. I wasn’t sure I wanted to think, let alone relive, the events that caused me to want to forget how I was or lived before. It was better if she never existed.
But in her and she is me, and if I want to heal and live the life God prepared for me, I needed to see myself in her and vice versa, because God deposited purpose, calling, gifts, talents, abilities and more at the time He formed and created me, not once I was born. So connecting to my God-given life meant looking at her and realizing she’s not at fault, she was a victim just like me. And she needed me as much as I need her.
So I wanted to write to her on this, her day, and help her heal as I heal, from all that has tried to kill her memory and keep her caged. My childhood was great and remembering that will soon be a good thing and lose its sorrow. I can see the fire in her eyes and my hope is that the fire will come to us both. I was never responsible for my pain, my only responsibility is to release it and this is part of my work towards accomplishing that.
Here’s my message to her:
I want to say thank you to and for this little girl in these pictures. For so long I disconnected with her and saw her as a faraway memory, a different person from who I am today. I struggled to relate and to see her in me or myself in her. I have to say though that I admire her. She’s been through some tough stuff, the world has tried to keep her trapped and to steal her dreams, to erase her smile. And yet, I’ve seen her fight harder every time to get her smile back, to not lose her groove, to dream bigger. She’s feisty and sassy and got some style… She wasn’t created for cages, she’s wild and her best when set free. She keeps fighting because she knows God fights for her, she believes because she knows God believes in her, even when the world wants to make her feel small, her heart beats faster and harder knowing God created her with a spirit bigger and greater than any physical manifestation of who she’s to become. She turns your world upside down and breaks the barriers in your mind. She believes anything is possible and if she were to have a middle name it’d be faith because when her world crumbled it was the one thing that kept her alive. She may have had little faith in herself, but she’s never lost faith in who created her unique self. Today baby girl, that changes. Today I also have faith in you, as you learn to have faith in yourself. Today I tell you how special, loved, cherished, and desired you are. Your every quirk, your naive soul, your hopeful heart, are all cherished. The world couldn’t break you and it cannot contain you because what you carry is so overwhelming, God decided to have some humor storing it in a small container, in a little girl, and that girl is you. You keep me going, and one day you’ll see all the seeds you watered with your tears, and you rejoice in the fruit of your sorrow, a fruit of joy and fulfillment knowing it was who created you who made it all possible. The best is NOT yet to come, but coming and running towards you. It’s been running behind you for a while. But now, you get to enjoy it, now you get to receive it and enjoy every bit of it. Happy birthday my little one, you deserve all this love and so much more.
Also published on Medium.