Today is one of those days where I write out of obedience and need, more than desire. Like the title says, I need your help.
I also feel the immense need to preface this whole thing by saying, as vulnerable as people set me out to be, I don’t feel great about sharing this, to the length and degree I’m attempting to do so. Maybe out of ego, but mostly out of fear.
I’m deadly afraid of how people will judge, criticize, or just plain view me once I let this out into the open. Again, to the degree that I’m about it.
But, we’re about to just Nike this and “just do it”.
As most of you know, I’ve been through a very hard, weird, heavy season since I moved out on my own in May of last year.
What I don’t let almost anyone know is how hard it’s been. (Currently trying to see how to write it so this doesn’t become a novella, and by that, I mean an 80,000-word story.)
I had no way of preparing for that move emotionally and mentally, so I started at a deficit. But I could have never truly prepared for everything that came with it.
I was building a business, which alone will challenge the very core of your being, especially for someone like me who until very little ago (2 months maybe) measured her value on her output and how much she was able to give/do for others.
I was also becoming aware of my neurological differences and challenges but had no resources to be able to do anything about them and get the answers I needed so I could keep moving.
Let’s pile on top of all that, a process that I was unknowingly about to embark on with God. One where he would (I feel) destroy the glass castle that was my life in order to start from scratch and build what he had planned all along.
To be practical about the last part, I have been going through a process where God has been challenging and confronting just about everything I thought about anything. I’m talking about myself, my family, my relationship with my parents (mom especially), my view as a daughter of God, and what I think of myself as a professional, and creative. what I wanted in life because it was God’s desire for me, my own desire, or something I wanted to do because my family expected of me. You name it, it’s been challenged.
I wish I could tell you that I was strong enough to handle this season, but I wasn’t. It almost took me out, completely.
In short, I have experienced the hardest season for my mental and emotional health, and as close to today as May, I told God I thought I couldn’t handle it and I saw no way out. If you’ve experienced anything as I have, you know that’s a breeding ground for people to stop existing. And though I thought this was a position I never thought I’d be in, that’s where I was. Just a few short 4 months ago.
This leads me to today. I’m going to say the last thing you’d thought I’d say. I’m grateful for all of what’s happened. I needed the shaking, the destruction of the old, the crumbling of every thought and belief that didn’t serve, and didn’t serve what God has prepared for me. But I also don’t wish it on my worst enemy. There were days and weeks, even months, where the biggest push I made and the only thing I had energy for was church.
People (I feel) see me love and be obsessed with my dog, and think I’m crazy. What they don’t know is how many times it was that very dog that reminded me I needed to eat, take at least two steps and walk, and look after myself. Without her, who knows? But thankfully, we don’t have to wonder.
(Ok, I just scrolled up and this got long. I’m getting there)
Though I’m grateful for what God has done in this season, and I’m grateful that I’ve made it to the other side (somewhat) my finances have taken a hit, and this is where I need your help. Basically, I need a miracle of $1,745 by tomorrow (Friday) in order to prevent an eviction process to be started against me.
This is also where shame comes in. I am smart enough to get a job. I am smart enough to build my business. I’m capable enough to find a way to make money. But there were plenty of times when my body and my brain were not connected and I had no strength to do what I “knew” I needed to do.
So right now it’s about action. If you feel led to, can, and want to, I’d be forever grateful for your help with a financial contribution. This is key as tomorrow I have to make a big payment and finally work on getting on track with life in general.
You can do this through Zelle with my cell if you have it. If you don’t, DM me. This is the biggest way to help me.
But I get it, not everyone will be able to. So here are some other options.
I’m currently working on my site, melvargas.com, which will be a mix of portfolio, services, and projects site. Feel free to roam and promote as you see fit. If you think I can help someone you know, let me know and send them the site. I’m ready to work now more than ever!
Sign up for my newsletter, I’m going to be promoting ALL my stuff there so it’ll be easier to see what I’m doing.
If you’re great with resumes or know someone who is, let me know! Have a few positions I want to apply for but this baby could use some work.
There are more, but we’ll leave it there for now :P.
If you’ve read this far I hope you know how grateful I am even to just have your time and attention (I just scrolled again, I have nothing else to say for myself other than the fact that God did not create me to be concise LOL).
To be honest, this isn’t easy for me. There’s a lot I feel I want to say so you’ll understand the extent of this season. There’s a lot I want to explain and defend and guard because I feel the judgment and shame brewing. And I’m fighting the urge. So thank you.
A huge part of this is my recent diagnosis, and I know people wish I kept it quiet out of fear of what others will say, how it’ll make me look, and the stigma that could be put on me. But I don’t think people realize how much of my mental and emotional health has improved BECAUSE I have the diagnosis because. The diagnosis gives answers and context and helps me understand many of the things I’ve struggled with, and now I can look for answers and tools that work for me. I can stop being my worst enemy and working against me, and I can start loving myself as I am and work with what God’s given me. Which is oh so beautiful!
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s the video.
Thank you again. I have an impossible goal for tomorrow financially so I’ll be very much focused on that, but I’m open if you’ve read this and have questions. I’m also open to suggestions but I hope you understand that I may not be able to execute (most, nearly all of) them. For multiple reasons. But I know you mean well.
Lastly, love you so much already. thank you for being on the journey. I’m excited to see what God is going to do, and even more so to be healthy enough mentally and emotionally to move from this season into the next. And I’m so grateful you’re a part of that.