Blog

I uttered these words yesterday while listening to yet another message that felt tailor-made for me. And no, I’m not complaining, I could not be more grateful for a patient and loving God willing to teach me how and when I need it most. I just needed to remind myself of that very thing, I may be going through what seems to be the same situation, but I am not the same person who went through it before.

Maybe I should give you context. In May 2021 I moved out on my own, and since then I haven’t only lived alone in my apartment, but in the city. Now moving out may have felt like a long time coming, and it was, but the circumstances weren’t only less than desirable, they also added to the trauma that has kept me bound in more ways than one.

Since then it’s been what looks like a long road to recovery. Recovery of identity, strength, courage, drive, motivation, understanding, boldness, and a whole lot more. I have enjoyed my time alone, but it has also been hard. Not the kind of thing that happens to everyone, and not the type of thing I always like to share. But we’re getting somewhere, I promise.

In this journey, the one of the narrow path, more than once I’ve felt like I’m reliving situations, almost as if I’m in a hamster wheel. I’ve even used the phrase in my prayers, asking God to move me from them and help me progress to the life he’s created me for.

But one thing I’ve learned is, that what HAS to happen first is the change within. Only by becoming who God created me to live can I start living the life He created me for. It does not happen any other way. And take it from me, you better be careful with what you pray for, because God will take you at your word and will start working things out for you to receive that which you pray for, but the process isn’t pretty. The beginning is exciting only because it’s new and unknown. But then, we get past the exciting part, and we’re nowhere near the other side. It’s no longer cute and the end is nowhere in sight. There’s a reason why it’s called the messy middle. It’s a mess in the middle.

Encanto is one of my favorite movies. And my favorite song in the soundtrack is “Dos Oruguitas“. One of the reasons why I love it is because it introduced me to a word I had never heard before, chrysalis. The messy middle where the caterpillar no longer exists but the butterfly hasn’t formed. We always talk about the metamorphosis, the transformation. But no one talks about the chrysalis. Even the cocoon is talked about more. But the cocoon is the outer shell, the protection, the external structure that PROTECTS the transformation taking place, yet it isn’t the transformation itself. The chrysalis is the point where there’s no going back, but the end is still not in sight. The song depicts it so well. The journey from caterpillars to beautiful butterflies. It makes me cry every time.

I wonder how many of us are in a chrysalis. No longer the lost caterpillars hoping for something more, something better, losing the restraints of our current existence. But not quite the butterflies that are ready to see the world and all its wonders. Just somewhere in the middle. Knowing we’re being transformed, just wondering when we’ll be on the other side.

Because if I were to explain where I am today, it’s definitely in a chrysalis. I am no longer the Melissa that I used to be. I am surely not the independent woman who felt like she HAD to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. The one who couldn’t ask for help or share her struggles because she couldn’t fathom being a burden to others. The one who believed and loved God but never depended on Him. She only needed his push, but she “got” the rest. The one who had no idea who she was, WHOSE she was, how much she was loved and desired, and who felt the weight of her impossible dreams.

And though I’m not there anymore, and I’m grateful for that, I’m not on the other side of the metamorphosis YET. I still doubt, I still want to take matters into my own hands, and I still want to run when I need to be still. My mind still races, I still long for what I should want, and I still forget about the one who loves me most. There’s a lot of transformation and healing ahead of me, and yet when I look in the mirror, I like how I see because of how much she’s been transformed already.

So when I was sitting between two of my best friends and I heard the words, I needed to repeat them back to me, to let them sink in, and to actually believe them. My circumstances seem identical to what they were this time last year. I felt at the end of the rope, holding for dear life that my current situation would change and wondering when this would finally be over. I feel due for a new chapter.

The difference is, I’m not the same. My faith is stronger, my hope is alive. I may venture off and experience anxiety again, but anxiety doesn’t have me anymore. Hope is winning this battle. The way I think has changed, and the way I feel isn’t the same, especially about myself and my worth (and value), and that already makes a world of a difference.

If you’ve reached this paragraph, I hope this helps. No, it doesn’t change your circumstances, but maybe knowing that YOU have changed and are changing helps you realize that you are closer to being a butterfly. your metamorphosis is taking place. You’re in a chrysalis of your own, and as you’re transformed, so is the world around you.

As the song says, there comes our miracle. You may not see it, but your world is changing. Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. Just like the world can’t see your transformation, and yet it’s already filled with expectation.

Let’s hold on to hope that we’ll soon be enjoying the beauty of our wing spread wide.

Today is one of those days where I write out of obedience and need, more than desire. Like the title says, I need your help.

I also feel the immense need to preface this whole thing by saying, as vulnerable as people set me out to be, I don’t feel great about sharing this, to the length and degree I’m attempting to do so. Maybe out of ego, but mostly out of fear.

I’m deadly afraid of how people will judge, criticize, or just plain view me once I let this out into the open. Again, to the degree that I’m about it.

But, we’re about to just Nike this and “just do it”.

As most of you know, I’ve been through a very hard, weird, heavy season since I moved out on my own in May of last year.

What I don’t let almost anyone know is how hard it’s been. (Currently trying to see how to write it so this doesn’t become a novella, and by that, I mean an 80,000-word story.)

I had no way of preparing for that move emotionally and mentally, so I started at a deficit. But I could have never truly prepared for everything that came with it.

I was building a business, which alone will challenge the very core of your being, especially for someone like me who until very little ago (2 months maybe) measured her value on her output and how much she was able to give/do for others.

I was also becoming aware of my neurological differences and challenges but had no resources to be able to do anything about them and get the answers I needed so I could keep moving.

Let’s pile on top of all that, a process that I was unknowingly about to embark on with God. One where he would (I feel) destroy the glass castle that was my life in order to start from scratch and build what he had planned all along.

To be practical about the last part, I have been going through a process where God has been challenging and confronting just about everything I thought about anything. I’m talking about myself, my family, my relationship with my parents (mom especially), my view as a daughter of God, and what I think of myself as a professional, and creative. what I wanted in life because it was God’s desire for me, my own desire, or something I wanted to do because my family expected of me. You name it, it’s been challenged.

I wish I could tell you that I was strong enough to handle this season, but I wasn’t. It almost took me out, completely.

In short, I have experienced the hardest season for my mental and emotional health, and as close to today as May, I told God I thought I couldn’t handle it and I saw no way out. If you’ve experienced anything as I have, you know that’s a breeding ground for people to stop existing. And though I thought this was a position I never thought I’d be in, that’s where I was. Just a few short 4 months ago.

This leads me to today. I’m going to say the last thing you’d thought I’d say. I’m grateful for all of what’s happened. I needed the shaking, the destruction of the old, the crumbling of every thought and belief that didn’t serve, and didn’t serve what God has prepared for me. But I also don’t wish it on my worst enemy. There were days and weeks, even months, where the biggest push I made and the only thing I had energy for was church.

People (I feel) see me love and be obsessed with my dog, and think I’m crazy. What they don’t know is how many times it was that very dog that reminded me I needed to eat, take at least two steps and walk, and look after myself. Without her, who knows? But thankfully, we don’t have to wonder.

(Ok, I just scrolled up and this got long. I’m getting there)

Though I’m grateful for what God has done in this season, and I’m grateful that I’ve made it to the other side (somewhat) my finances have taken a hit, and this is where I need your help. Basically, I need a miracle of $1,745 by tomorrow (Friday) in order to prevent an eviction process to be started against me.

This is also where shame comes in. I am smart enough to get a job. I am smart enough to build my business. I’m capable enough to find a way to make money. But there were plenty of times when my body and my brain were not connected and I had no strength to do what I “knew” I needed to do.

So right now it’s about action. If you feel led to, can, and want to, I’d be forever grateful for your help with a financial contribution. This is key as tomorrow I have to make a big payment and finally work on getting on track with life in general.

You can do this through Zelle with my cell if you have it. If you don’t, DM me. This is the biggest way to help me.

But I get it, not everyone will be able to. So here are some other options.

I’m currently working on my site, melvargas.com, which will be a mix of portfolio, services, and projects site. Feel free to roam and promote as you see fit. If you think I can help someone you know, let me know and send them the site. I’m ready to work now more than ever!

Sign up for my newsletter, I’m going to be promoting ALL my stuff there so it’ll be easier to see what I’m doing.

If you’re great with resumes or know someone who is, let me know! Have a few positions I want to apply for but this baby could use some work.

There are more, but we’ll leave it there for now :P.

If you’ve read this far I hope you know how grateful I am even to just have your time and attention (I just scrolled again, I have nothing else to say for myself other than the fact that God did not create me to be concise LOL).

To be honest, this isn’t easy for me. There’s a lot I feel I want to say so you’ll understand the extent of this season. There’s a lot I want to explain and defend and guard because I feel the judgment and shame brewing. And I’m fighting the urge. So thank you.

A huge part of this is my recent diagnosis, and I know people wish I kept it quiet out of fear of what others will say, how it’ll make me look, and the stigma that could be put on me. But I don’t think people realize how much of my mental and emotional health has improved BECAUSE I have the diagnosis because. The diagnosis gives answers and context and helps me understand many of the things I’ve struggled with, and now I can look for answers and tools that work for me. I can stop being my worst enemy and working against me, and I can start loving myself as I am and work with what God’s given me. Which is oh so beautiful!

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s the video.

Thank you again. I have an impossible goal for tomorrow financially so I’ll be very much focused on that, but I’m open if you’ve read this and have questions. I’m also open to suggestions but I hope you understand that I may not be able to execute (most, nearly all of) them. For multiple reasons. But I know you mean well.

Lastly, love you so much already. thank you for being on the journey. I’m excited to see what God is going to do, and even more so to be healthy enough mentally and emotionally to move from this season into the next. And I’m so grateful you’re a part of that.

I know I am! Trust me… in my overly articulated life, I find myself being misunderstood OFTEN. It’s been happening to me a lot more lately, and it’s getting to be a lot.

I’m often missunderstood when I’m watching or talking about a movie with friends and I see an analogy that just blows my mind, but when I go to share it they look at me like a dear in headlights. It happens when I see a vision for my life with scary clarity but when I go share it with my family, they give me a look as if they’re sorry for my demise and madness. It happens when I foresee trouble and I feel a certain way about chaos, but I’m thinking 10 steps ahead and they’re just thinking about the here and now. It is both the most annoying gift and it often seems like a curse.

But often, this is how leaders live. Or at the very least, start, before they get their communication skills down. But I’m a communicator, so “how can I be having trouble communicating?!” This question comes all too often to my mind and it always makes me fill like I should have studied something else. But, just after that thought, I remember that for communication to be effective you can’t just focus on the sender and the receiver. There’s a whole lot you need to think about.

Hear me out for a second. In communication, we learn that to be effective you need to think about these four important factors. And I figured I’d teach them to you (or refresh your memory) because often what seems like a total miss, is a small pivot in life. So here they are:

1. The Message

What you’re sharing, or at least trying. It’s your thoughts, visions, dreams, realizations, calculations, and everything else you think, feel, and most importantly, say to other.

Are you clear on them? It’s ok if you aren’t, but you can’t speak with certainty if you’re uncertain. On one hand, it’s ok to share your thoughts and feelings with the caveat that you’re processing them. On the other, if you’re certain about something, say it as you mean in.

It is not ok to belittle your thoughts, convictions, etc. if you know they’re pillars and you don’t plan on tearing them down. then and only then, will your message be delivered clearly.

2. Messenger

That’s you!!! And so, you matter, and quite a lot. How are you communicating your message? Yes, it’s that again. Are you speaking with conviction? Or can people sway you easily? Are you passionate about your message or do you sound bleh about it? Who you are and how you feel will have a direct impact on how you deliver your message.

3. Medium

How are you delivering your message? We all know that starting or ending a relationship over text doesn’t quite work. And this is true for so many other things.

The kind of work I do requires that I reach out to potential clients constantly and one of the ways I’ve attempted to do so has been through texting. Needless to say, When it’s been through text ALONE, it hasn’t quite worked. Inversely, when I’ve taken a step back and go back to old school calling and connecting, I almost ALWAYs get results that are better than what I expected.

With a Twist

What you say, how you say it, when and where you say it, and WHY you say it. It all matters. But it also matters WHO you say it to.

Honestly, I don’t think this is spoken about enough. I mean, do you want to speak to EVERYONE? Like, why would you want to?

And yes, I sound crazy. Most of us love what we have to share and we’d like to get it to EVERYONE, but not every message is meant for everyone to hear and it’s not meant to be heard all at the same time! And for my business people, I’m not talking about a niche, even though it may sound familiar and I can see why.

What I’ve realized is that most, if not all, of the times I’ve been frustrated with sharing something and the feedback I get often happens because even though all of my elements are spot-on, who I am sharing with is not someone who is meant to hear that specific thing at that specific moment. It’s not their fault, if anything it was my fault. As a communicator, knowing your audience is crucial!!! And I don’t miss it all the time.

Not Always, but Sometimes

My mom never knows when I’m worried or sad. She’d just crawl up in a ball of sadness because she can’t fix whatever is wrong, even if it’s not fixable or major. My stepdad? I don’t share much with him because we just live in different worlds. And the list goes one.

Once in a while though, it slips. I tell a friend about something going on in my business that I’m loving even though she hates my industry. Sometimes I speak about a dream ahead of time and because it doesn’t come to fruition as fast as I’d hope and spoke about, now it seems to the receiver that it isn’t going to happen at all.

So, don’t let the fear or feeling of being misunderstood get to you. Analyze. Go back and see if your W’s were on track (what, when, where, who, how, and why). If they were, then you’re golden! If one was off, then now you know what’s going on and have the right tools to fix it.

You were created to be a messenger, carrying a valuable message through a unique medium. Don’t let the wrong people, closed ears, or off timings get to you! Get back up and at it… and the quicker the better. Your message needs to be heard!

I believe in you! Hope you do the same

Xo,

Mel

[display_medium_posts handle=”@melimelvargas”]

After a long hiatus, I knew I needed to get back to my one true passion, writing. That effort would need to take various forms, including connecting with other writers and improving on my craft. That’s why when I saw a meetup for creative writers in Miami and a workshop coming up, I had no doubt that is where I needed to be Sunday night. I signed up and added it to my digital agenda like I’ve done with so many other events, the difference being I don’t end up attending many of the other events. This, though, I had to attend no matter what.

The Movie

To make my commitment even harder to miss, I bought a ticket to go watch War For the Planet of the Apes, which I enjoyed, but I realized quickly I need to brush up on the other movies for context. Anyways, the movie was scheduled in one of those Dolby theater rooms with the very comfy, techy chairs. Unfortunately, I ran a bit late and was not able to get as comfy as I hoped. I mean, I never thought a movie theater would be full at 4:30 p.m. on a Sunday. Lesson learned, go to the movies early regardless of the time of day. The movie theater was in the same shopping mall as the workshop, so it was extremely convenient and absolutely necessary.

See? I often miss out on movies, concerts, and events in general for a lack of company. It is not often that I want to go somewhere my friends would prefer to be. I honestly blame it on my eclectic taste in outings. Plus, I often want to stay home (something I plan to change in the near future, just bear with me). So, in an effort to break the cycle, I took myself out. Yes, I added the movie to the agenda after RSVPing to the workshop, making it convenient since it was in the same place, removing a movie from my “to watch” list, and making a conscious effort to spend time with just me. The only problem was my math skills. I didn’t plan it right, so I was now 30 minutes late to the workshop and had to run out of the theater, feeling both embarrassed about being late to come in and quick to get out, and having to deal with now walking in late to the workshop. “Must break this lateness cycle” I said, for possibly the 100th time that week.

The Workshop

The workshop was taking place in a cute spot called Teas & Poets. It was quiet, to the point of making me feel I had missed the whole point of that day. Towards the end of the shop, there were tables filled with people, notebooks, and laptops. I still find it so hard for my creativity to run wild on an electronic device. Even this post is hard to type on my computer without getting technical about what I’m writing, my body’s position as I type, and wondering if my environment is the best environment possible for my writing. Pen and paper beat writing on a computer all day, every day. I quickly grabbed a chair and tried to listen closely to the instructions. I want to say the person giving the workshop didn’t recognize me, though she kept looking back trying to make out where she’d met me before. For clarification, we met at a networking event. They’d started writing based on her prompts, and it was impossible to catch up. It was, however, much easier to start based on what they were sharing, and take it from there. I could still write something more original later.

They’d started writing based on her prompts, and it was impossible to catch up. It was, however, much easier to start based on what they were sharing, and take it from there. I could still write something more original later. Someone shared a line about someone (her) realizing that the movie theater was farther than she thought and that it was distance she would not want to cover on foot. I’m paraphrasing. Given my interesting experience going to the movie by myself just moments earlier, I quickly grabbed on to that idea. Now, this wasn’t the first time I had gone to the movie by myself. But, it was the first time I had done it as a regular client, and not as an employee. Yes, I had once worked in a luxury movie theater. And I went in for free during non-peak hours. But this was different. It still made me feel like I had accomplished something.

We were given the prompt to write based on something we had written (which I had nothing at the moment), or something we heard. We were given 10 minutes to write without stopping to fix or overthinking. I’ve done these before (for 20 minutes) and I have to say they’re my favorite exercises. Wonder what I wrote? Here it is:

she learned to appreciate the voice of everyone else, so much so that she forgot what her own voice sounded like. Once in a while, she’d hear a whisper, a lovely whisper. She knew she’d heard it before, but she couldn’t recognize whose it was. She’d hear it every time the other voices became too much. It’d always remind her of how special she was. It’d always tell her how lovely, kind, virtuous, and rare she was. It’d often speak of better times. Times she couldn’t remember. The whisper would, more often than not, counter the voices around her. It would often come in, opposite of her judge. That internal judge that lived inside of her. It would tell her that anything was possible, like going to the movies by herself and enjoying it. Like loving her new do. Like losing that toxic judge she kept as a friend and took everywhere she went. It filled her with dreams, it drowned her in songs. They would tell her she was crazy for listening to this whisper, for it would do nothing for her, and in the end, all it would do would be to ruin her. But she stopped listening to them.

The clock stopped, the pencil came down. It’s interesting to read back on what you write when there’s no end goal in mind, just pen or pencil to paper and let your mind run. I’m sure other artists can understand that. It’s a different way of creating. It not about creating some new masterpiece, all that matters is that you don’t stop working until the time is done. I something very personal, while pulling inspiration from something someone else wrote. That can happen sometimes. Inspiration can come from anywhere. As I read back, I’m just always amazed that something so small can become a story of its own.

The workshop continued and I got to write some more interesting stuff. Stuff you might get to read, you may not. You never know where creations will go. Musicians write songs that get archived, become hits, or are never released. I had the opportunity to meet new people, which is always a plus, and my creative muscles were slightly stretched.

The End of the Date

I have to say this past Sunday was definitely one of a kind since I don’t tend to go out by myself much. But it can definitely become a thing, a very regular thing. Though I love the people in my life, sometimes you just need to take yourself out on a date and show yourself some love. No one can speak to us like we do, no one knows what we need like we do, and no one has the responsibility to you like you do. Go do the thing you enjoy most, and show yourself the best time possible.

Then, come and tell me all about it in the comments section :). What has been the best date you’ve ever taken yourself on?

I have a thing with doors. For one, when God speaks to me about opportunities, He always says “I’m opening a door for you, I’m giving you the key to a new door in your life…” And it’s always had a personal impact on me. Whenever I see them I see the beauty they hold.
Old doors tell a story of the great men be women who traveled through them. New ones aren’t only beautifully designed, but hold the hope of the stories they’ll hold. Doors separate darkness and light, old from new, and always create expectations of what could be on the other side.
It requires action from those curious to find out. It holds secrets. Behind closed doors some of the most of the most important conversations and events happen. Lives are changed, souls revived, passions ignited, love expressed. Doors create separation from the past and allow transition into the future. What do doors tell you?

In the process of healing my mind, my heart, my everything, I’ve found the power of worship. When I’ve had episodes of terrible anxiety (like tonight) and have turned to worship, I’ve found healing. Spiritual healing alone may not be enough, therapy without divine intervention is worthless… But when the divine and the God-designed meet, there are unbelievable breakthroughs. To worship God while your chest is compressed, your stomach is shut, your head pounds and you start speaking His truth, declaring His word, and start speaking to the body to align with His word, something miraculous happens. My body was shocked by therapy as false truths were unearthed, but it was with worship that my body aligned with God’s truth that only He brings peace. If God is calling you to it, seek help for what ails your body, your mind, your soul. Ask for help and uproot all that the devil has planted deep in your subconscious, and worship Him as He performs surgery on your mind. Talk about a dynamite combination. Want a different life? Then you need to do things differently to obtain the results you know you need. Listen to Nike, just do it.