“Well, write at least two lines,” my beautiful friend Eugenia encouraged me tonight at 7:04 pm as she checked in with me about the goal I set for myself to post a blog today.
The truth is, I’ve been wanting to get back here since the post I wrote last year (which happens to be the last post on this blog). But, just like anything else I SAY I want to do, it’s shoved to the end of a very long list of wishes unfulfilled. After over 2 years of exploration as to what on Earth is going on with me, the answer is simple, though poignant. I have abandoned myself and when you’ve done something for so long, changing that about you won’t happen overnight.
It’s also interesting that this happens to be what this blog ends up being about since today happens to feel like a page is turning in the book of my life. Actually, dare I say, a new chapter altogether.
In the effort to try and keep this short, I’ll fight the effort to give you the ENTIRE background story. What I will share is this, ever since I moved to my apartment I’ve left it almost 100% as it was when I moved in rushed by the chaos that was my parents’ departure, including the 4 days my mom was in the hospital due to epileptic seizures she had due to stress before their move. This means that I had no art on any of the walls, the configuration was subpar, and I had a couch to fill in my dining/living room needs. Dare I say it, my apartment has been the reflection of how I’ve viewed myself until now. Filled with potential, but not quite as adorned as it could be.
Things started to shift last weekend when my cousin came into town. She calls herself a Facebook Marketplace queen, and I agree, the girl can SHOP on a dime. My kind of gal if I’m being real. She started looking for a dining room table, and not long after we found one I liked so much, that I started praying for it. And if there’s one thing I’ve been experiencing is God absolutely spoiling me in the smallest but cutest ways. Well, we got it for half the price and my heart exploded. She left the next day for a trip and came back this past Saturday.
One thing you should know is that she’s older and has always felt like another, much hipper and cooler mom. I have plenty of memories of having fun with her and her brothers. Until we loved apart and I started to get the sense that I couldn’t really open up to her. It’s a long story. But ever since I moved on my own, it’s as if I’m also rediscovering how to relate to my family as my own person, including her. So this Saturday we went deeper. I told her about how I struggle to make myself a priority and figure out what I like for myself, the fear I have to decorate it because I’m afraid of messing it up, and how I look at my apartment as a place to beautify for others, not me.
She reminded me of something I don’t quite have figured out, but I’m learning. This is MY space, and it needs to work FOR ME. we did a LOT that Saturday night and I was needless to say, overwhelmed with how the place looked after giving it just a little bit of love. But after 2+ years of no TLC, I still have a ways to go.
What makes this different is that now I want to, which is huge being that last week was such a hard week emotionally. My brain, my mind, and my body were at war. But crazily enough, I’m on the other side of motivation and momentum now and I see myself spending all week working on my sanctuary. Yes, this is my sanctuary, which is how everyone should feel about their home.
The other lingering thought is the deeper part of our convo. I explained to her something that I’ve been ashamed to confess, but I need to let out. Making myself a priority, being confident, “feeling myself”, caring about my space and what I need, and all the other thoughts and feelings that surround this idea, are all not only foreign to me but feel unnatural to me. And this may shock some people, but yes. I don’t know how to BE confident, how to make myself a priority, how to NOT abandon myself for the world around me. But, it is indeed what’s been going on for so long, I can’t even tell when I wasn’t doing all of that. And I mean, how do I even start to do that? what does that even feel like? How does Mel think and feel being confident and putting herself first? It’s foreign, weird, feels otherworldly, and as much work as I’ve done to heal and walk in alignment with God, this is apparently the next chapter and I’m avoiding it because I have NO IDEA how to even start. Well, maybe I have an idea.
If you think I haven’t figured it out, I’m acutely aware that my apartment is very much a sign of that. Hence my desire to keep going on organizing it, cleaning out the junk, and truly making it the best place for me. Hopefully, as I keep going, the lesson will keep revealing itself to me. As ready as I feel to be on the other side already, it doesn’t feel like it’ll be a quick chapter. It actually feels like I’ve been here for a minute already.
On a last note, I have placed Christmas decorations for the first time ever! Yes, ever. I think it’s super cute and love that it’s only in one area. The thought of decorating the whole place, only to put away a bunch of things in a month and store them for the next 11, torture. But this, this I like ☺️
Until next (hopefully soon) time,